As we enter the new year, I see a lot of New Year’s resolutions going by on my social media pages. Some are funny or interesting; others, you just hope it will last beyond January 5th. Within many of these resolutions are promises that the individual will create boundaries around themselves so that they can have time and energy for the things that matter most to them.
Boundaries can be very good and healthy. If clearly communicated, they tell others what is expected of them and what the consequences will be if they cross over that boundary. For example, I’m an entrepreneur. I have boundaries around my time, because too often people think, “Oh, she works from home; she can do anything she wants to with her time.” While I do have quite a bit of control over my schedule, I still need to get my work done. With certain people, I have to clearly define the fact that I’m working; if you want me to do something else during my work time, the answer will be “no.” (A few very special people don’t have that boundary – if they need something during work hours, they have the privilege of receiving a “yes” because of the nature of their relationship with me.)
The problem with boundaries is that they can grow – often through hurt or too much trespassing – into walls. Walls in themselves aren’t evil, but they’re often used in ways that shut out and hurt others rather than for what they are intended to be. Let’s take a quick look into boundaries vs. walls.
A boundary is an imaginary line – think about a property boundary. Unless someone marks it visibly, you can’t tell where it is. That’s why it’s so important to clearly communicate boundaries – otherwise, people will cross the line and still think they’re in the public park or perfectly fine in their relationship with you while you’re steaming that someone just trampled your boundary. A wall is visible; in fact, it’s opaque. You can’t see what’s going on behind a wall. This is good and bad – for example, I really like a solid wall that blocks prying eyes into my bedroom. But I can possibly use the wall to conceal my activities and hide from the people God has called me to minister to or who need to minister to me.
Boundaries are meant to be crossed from time to time. In general, you get to decide who gets to cross the boundary (if they cross it uninvited, that’s called trespassing). But you can’t walk through a wall. You’ll have to go along the wall until you find a door, and even then, it has to be unlocked by the owner of the home and you have to be invited in before you can cross that barrier (thieves and robbers notwithstanding – see John 10:8; 10).
In general, when dealing with others, boundaries are much healthier than walls. When boundaries are crossed too often – if you find too many trespassers – it’s the natural response to sure up those boundaries to make them even more obvious. This usually means building a wall – sort of like putting up a fence around your yard. Now, some fences are little more than pretty boards to let you know where the property line is located. And then there are fences that are solid and tall to ensure that no one and nothing can get through.
Walls are also built when people feel exposed and vulnerable. How many fences have we seen around yards, simply because the people were afraid that something might happen? No one has trespassed yet and they probably never will. But the insecurities of the owners have created the perceived need for a wall when, in truth, simple boundary markers would likely be more than enough.
It’s the same with the boundaries and walls we create within ourselves or in our relationships. Some are necessary – there are certain relationships that I’ve had to reluctantly build a few flimsy walls to protect myself now, but I hope in the future to be able to remove those walls. Others are born out of pain – walls built where boundaries should exist.
This new year, it might be a good idea to take a careful look at the boundaries and walls in our lives. Which ones are serving us and the people around us in a healthy way? Are there walls built through pain or hurt that should be boundaries? Or are there areas of our lives that need clearly communicated boundaries around them? Remember to invite God into this – His priorities and boundaries may surprise you, but they’re sure to reap a good harvest.
