It’s a clickbait title, in part because I’m not thrilled to be writing this post. I don’t love being negative; there’s plenty of that in the world without me adding to it. But I’ve had a higher-than-average rate of knowing narcissists over the years, and as I watch the anti-narcissist memes and information go by, I’m becoming increasingly uncomfortable with it. Not with the point of the posts – they’re truly trying to help people – but with the spirit behind the memes and information. So today I’ll speak up and speak out, even if it’s a little more judgmental/negative than I try to be most weeks.
When most people post or speak about escaping narcissism, they use specific language: Narcissists use the people in their life. YOU are a scapegoat. They leave YOU to hold the blame. YOU did nothing, but they will punish you with abuse, silent treatment, etc. Narcissistic people accuse YOU of being toxic, but it’s actually them who are the toxic ones. They play the poor, abused victim while torturing, mistreating, and abusing those they fooled into loving them.
I could go on – these are all either direct or almost direct quotes from memes I found on Google – but I want to point out something about all of these quotes: They all make the abused person into the victim. And while making the abused the victim, they inflict a spirit of self-pity that whispers to go lick your wounds and focus on what the narcissist did to YOU.
Believe me, I’ve been abused and duped by narcissists. This is experience I’m coming from here. And I feel like putting this in big, bold font, and maybe all-caps: You Cannot Escape Narcissist Abuse through Self-Pity. No amount of self-pity or licking your wounds or focusing on how the narcissist abused you will ever get you free. There is a time for healing, and you may need to revisit stuff to recover. I’m 100% for that. But there is a huge difference between self-pity and processing a situation. (Or at least, there should be a huge difference; if your processing looks like self-pity, it’s time to figure out how God is processing this with you… God is the Lord of victory, not defeat. To quote Oswald Chambers, “Self-pity is of the devil.” Or more crisply, “Self-pity is satanic.”)
Self-pity whispers that we are not treated rightly. We are more important than that. We have been left out. We have been mistreated. We have not received the good we deserve. And then it whispers that it is our right to receive treatment better than this. Self-pity is a highway to offense.
At the end of the day, the anti-narcissist propaganda is devil-infused with self-pity and victimhood. It actually creates narcissists through alleviating YOU of all the blame and whispering victim-thoughts into your mind. Listen to it, and instead of being informed, you will end up there, yourself, because we’re not dealing with words, we’re dealing with a spirit of self-pity behind the words. This spirit has power. Not as much power as Jesus, but power all the same.
Chose Jesus. Choose victory. Don’t choose to understand evil or evil motivations, but instead focus on healing and freedom. “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
In the old days, we used to classify people as users/takers and givers. It was good advice from Ann Landers to make a list of positive and negative qualities of a person and to go out with them for a year before making any lasting commitments. I wish I had heeded that advice. People that are selfish and nasty, can only hide behind their mask for so long.
I agree that people are obsessed with what makes narcissist tick, but everyone is selfish to varying degrees. There is still hope these people can change. That is in God’s hands. Best to stay away from them, move on.
Good, wise advice to wait. Most selfish people I’ve met can’t wait, and it’s a good indicator you should wait! I believe no one – narcissists included – is beyond the love and transformation of Jesus, but some days, the wait for them to figure it out can seem long. It teaches me patience and to love like Jesus while protecting myself and my family.