Isaiah tells us that if we “quit blaming victims,” God will bring blessings (58:9-12). What does not blaming victims look like in real life?

1) Recognize that one, if not both, parties are victims of sin, held captive by the devil in some area of their lives. Healing must take place (recognize the need for healing, accept the healing, do whatever deliverance is necessary, and walk out the healing) for them to live in wholeness.

2) If someone has a history of sinning with multiple people, chances are the multiple people are victims, at least at some level.

3) Sometimes, it’s pretty easy to identify the victim in a sin situation. We have the opportunity to listen to them (if we know them personally, we can be an ear for them as they process), pray healing and blessings on them, and support them on their way back to wholeness and health.

4) It’s not too uncommon for a psychologist or counselor in a Christian context to try to get the victim to take responsibility for the other person’s sin. Just don’t do it!! We are not trying to protect the perpetrator’s reputation or ministry at any cost. Help the victim take responsibility for their own sin, and don’t tolerate a standpoint of “I’m perfect and they’re horrible.” But also don’t force a victim to take on responsibility for the other person’s actions.

5) Supporting victims does not mean making them idols. I’ve heard (in secular contexts, mostly) people talk about or subtly suggest that the victims 1) have the most accurate version of their story (not always true), 2) are much better people than anyone else in the world, and 3) have a more accurate opinion on all things in life, from politics to wilderness best practices – just because they’re victims. Supporting and idolizing are two completely different things.

What does support look like when you’re trying to support a victim in their recovery? It will vary by the situation, but here are a few things:

1) Let them talk. Be a listening ear.

2) Let them know their thoughts and feelings are valid. They may be completely in a fake world at this point, but it’s their current reality. Their feelings are real, and being told that they shouldn’t feel this way, or they have to think about the situation another way, will make them feel they are wrong, abandoned, controlled, and that there is no healing or a place in society for them.

3) Be a safe space. Don’t gossip about what they tell you, and accept what they say as their truth in this moment. It can be so tempting to try and “fix it” or bring them back to your reality. They’ll get there – but it might take time.

4) Be available for them, whatever they may be feeling or thinking today. Grief and pain can come in waves, and while ladies are famous for their mood swings, it can happen to guys, too. They may be doing terrific, and then something triggers them (even if it’s just a mood), and they need you again.

5) Don’t let them become codependent on you. Some victims (not all, for sure!) are professionals at clinging to others. If you feel the relationship is becoming codependent (they can’t live without you, or vice versa, or they’re calling you about every little decision, etc.), create some space between the two of you for a specific period of time (often three weeks or so). Usually, during this time, they’ll find their feet again – or someone else to cling to, but let’s hope for a better result!

6) Cheer them on as they break free, remind them of who they are becoming/who they want to be, and give them grace as they face challenges. This may go a bit against #2 and #3 – there is space for both telling someone their feelings are valid and also telling them they are moving forward into the healing. You likely have a bit more perspective, especially early on, so keep bringing them hope – and let them grieve or feel the pain when necessary, too.

7) Let God be their healer. Remember, they are God’s children, and He cares even more than you.

8) If you are a bystander hearing about victims, pray for wholeness and healing

I hope this helps you support and not blame the victims of sin – when all else fails, and you can’t figure out who’s the victim, or you just don’t know what to do with a victim, you can pray for God’s wholeness and healing in their lives.